08.16.08
Funny Video
I like when he crawls on the ground and throws the “bomb”
07.04.08
Colors
I dont understand why pee is yellow, poop is brown, snot is green, belly button lint is blue-gray, and blood is red. Why all the colors? I just dont get why we have to be all colorful.
06.29.08
Conversations
See, these are the types of conversations we should have in public:
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
03.31.08
Things to say
I’m tired of “P.C.” and people that think you should “watch what you say”
Try to work some of the following into conversations tomorrow:
“Go Fuck Yourself”
“Hey, Nice Tits!”
“Look at that mother-fucking midget”
I know it may be hard to do, but it feels so nice to just say what you want………
PS, If you are Catholic, this will not work…….
02.16.08
FUCKING
This is “Fucking” hilarious. Apparently, there is a town in Austria by the name of Fucking. Is there a Fucking Hotel?
01.25.08
Only smart people will understand this
Here are some life laws:
Law of Mechanical Repair, also called Law of “Dirty Hands”:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner in the entire room.
Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
01.19.08
Internet Secrets
I woke up early this morning, and flipped on the TV only to see one of those fucking “Get Rich Quick” infomercials with outrageous claims where people made $100,000 a month on the system without even trying. Fuck me. Do people really buy into this shit? It’s been a while since I had watched one of these things on TV, and I totally blown away by the extreme amounts of money this system claimed to make people. Are there so many of these scams now that they each have to raise the bar to compete against each other? Again: Fuck Me!
I shit you not, one of the claims on this particular show was this:
“I made $437,000 in 7 days!”
Riiiiiiiiiiight. I don’t know who actually buys into this shit, but I think this proves that there are some stupid, fucked-up people in to world that would actually believe this hype.
Anyway, to the best part of this particular infomercial. I was about to switch the station, and on the screen popped “Betsy” — Betsy (A name I made up) is a pretty little 20-something blonde with HUGE fucking tits. She is wearing an extremely low-cut top and she is basically on the verge of just spilling out all over the place. “Wow!” I said to myself as I watched. Then I get my second surprise: Tina comes onto the screen! Just like Betsy, Tina is a 20-something with fucking massive fun-bags and a top that just barley covers her nipples. She has more meat in her meat-pillows then most people have in their entire ass!
Well, after this amazing visual surprise, somehow my ears stopped working and I had no idea what they were talking about. So I strained to go back to listening to their voices. Betsy and Tina are hosts of the show and are talking to each other about how great the system is. “Fuck that” I say to myself, and I concentrate back on the visual aspect of the show. They continue a conversation for a few minutes and as they turn to each other and turn to the camera I keep hoping that one of those things are just gonna fall right out. They are bouncing and jiggling like you wouldn’t believe.
All of a sudden they go back to more people who made Billions on the show. “Fuck me” I say to myself again. Well, I’m in now, and I decide to wait out this shit to see Betsy and Tina again. As I wait, I am chanting “Betsy” “Tina” “Betsy” “Tina”
If you ever find yourself watching one of these infomercials, try to find this one, it’s amazing! Don’t believe me? After a search around the internet, I actually found some still shots of the show! Here’s Betsy:
That picture doesn’t really do her justice. I also noticed from this picture her real name is Kelly. Just as lame, but I will continue to call her Betsy. She is leaning over holding herself together, and you can see one of her bags is covered a little more than the other. This proves that her top moves around freely during the show.
Believe me, this show is worth watching.
01.12.08
Dominos Pizza
OK, this is the sweetest thing on the planet. I ordered a pizza tonight, and Dominos has this new “Pizza Tracker” when you place your order online. They give you the up-to-the-second status on your pizza while it goes through the production process. How fucking cool is that? You get to see this nice little bar that tells when the prep station starts and ends, when it goes into bake, when it’s being boxed. I’m sorry, but that’s just fucking cool.
What can make that even better? How neat would that be to have a webcam setup so I can actually see the mexican that is making my pizza? Ahh, the wonderful world of “the internet”
12.28.07
Happy BDay
I would like to take this time to say “Happy BDay” to Keys. And you still owe me a Dollar.